Monday, March 30, 2009

Open Letter from the Supreme Lime to his followers


This letter was delivered to Steve Capelin aka the Lime King on the day of the 2009 Lime festival by an army of caterpillars dressed as Buddist monks. I (the Lime King) have been asked to read this to you and ask that it be heard in revered silence. The letter should be read with a strong and very bad Indian accent.

The Supreme Lime
The Sublime Lime Orchard
LEAVEN 28 March 2009

His Limliness says:
Dear dear dear and oh my goodness gracious
Greetings to you my very especially esteemed Lime King
And also to your most well intended and well endowed fellow Limists.

This letter may come as a very surprise to you – in case of which that will make us both very surprisable.

As you would be fully and comprehensively aware I am omnipresent and in the general matter of communication I am not inclined to writing.. In the very generally speaking sense, my very presence with you has been sufficiently sufficient to meet our both of us needs - yours a humble human needing to believe in something beyond your rear ended housing accommodation and mine to build a magnificently magnificent network of supporters to be assisting me in my quest to being acknowledged as the leading and divine lime and rightly royal Mahārāja of the vegetable and fruit dynasty. But more of that in a very little moment.

Firstly and first of all you may be wondering or not wondering as it is your worthiness to choose as to my unaccustomed accent.

When I was last in a speaking relationship with you I was in a very clever way masquerading as a tahiitan – no small feat for a rajhanastani maharaji. You may have wondered at the excessive use of eye enhancing kohl and my sideways waggling of the cranium in answer to your questions.

I have now find it necessary to inform you most humbly that I am indeed of Indian descent – my great great great great grand parents were uprooted from their native soil by most unscrupulous traders many many tangerines ago and transplanted to far away countries where they were bearing the fruit of their limes on foreign soil.

But I am full of too much informations and not too much communications. You might say I am in a digressing state of mind.
It is now time to return to the most at hand matter. World fruit and vegetable type domination.

oooh my esteemed Lime Maharaja, as my earthly embodiment I have totally faithfulness in your present and current strategy of building a group of dessicated followers who are passionfruit about spreading the good news. It is also pleasing to my esteemedness to be enjoying Princess Cherabine Babi Bebidorf’s rise to deity status.

But now to businesses. I am not a happy little vegelimelight (he he he – It is my funny little Australian joke) I am urging you and your vegelites to quadruple your redoubled efforts. I understand that the root crops have formed an undergrounding movement and are planning an uprising.

There is also rumours of unrestings in the extended fruit family. Even the tomatoes and avocados are claiming to have fruitable heritage and are in the joining of forces with Granny Smith and her nieces the Pink Ladies against me – such an innocuous naming but such terrible intentions beneath their skirts and skins. I am also fearing for our safety from the bent bananas and the foreign devils from Kiwi fruit land There is unseemingly behaviour happening on the ski slopes of the pavlovas and I am fearing that something very messy could be afoot and underfoot. . I urge you to harangue a meringue any time you can.

Please be excusing me but I am running out of juice here and my grammatical and spelling checker has just exploded from my computer. Sufficing it to say - that you must be getting down to the supermarket and all be speaking with one voices to the oranges and lemons and tangellos to raise them up to be revolting – remember there is more to being a Maharaja than merely being a mandarin.

And beware of the being confused by false propheteering – the Dalime Lima may be appearing in public waring citrus and saffron but he is not of the lemon or lime family – his is the colour of the bitters. This fact is being confirmed in code by the first six letters in his beloved Tibet Republics.

In closing I am hoping you will be enjoying your evening. Time is not limeitless. Let us be seeing some citrus insur-resurrection together.

May the Lime be with you.
Your Limliness
Supremo Limo

PS If Kevin Rudding is also speaking Portugese we would be pleasing to accept an apology on behalf of the stolen limes for our terrible injustices of the past 400 years.

2 comments:

  1. Damn that is very very esteemably funny.

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  2. I wanted to name my daughter Linnea, and my husband vetoed because it means "Lime Tree". Maybe if he read this, he would have reconsidered!

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