Thursday, April 16, 2009
Mind you it does lend some credence to the Supreme Lime 's claim to be from the subcontinent and speak with a heavy mock Indian accent.
Any takers for this costume at the next Lime Festival?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
The Supreme Lime
The Sublime Lime Orchard
LEAVEN 28 March 2009
His Limliness says:
Greetings to you my very especially esteemed Lime King
And also to your most well intended and well endowed fellow Limists.
This letter may come as a very surprise to you – in case of which that will make us both very surprisable.
As you would be fully and comprehensively aware I am omnipresent and in the general matter of communication I am not inclined to writing.. In the very generally speaking sense, my very presence with you has been sufficiently sufficient to meet our both of us needs - yours a humble human needing to believe in something beyond your rear ended housing accommodation and mine to build a magnificently magnificent network of supporters to be assisting me in my quest to being acknowledged as the leading and divine lime and rightly royal Mahārāja of the vegetable and fruit dynasty. But more of that in a very little moment.
Firstly and first of all you may be wondering or not wondering as it is your worthiness to choose as to my unaccustomed accent.
When I was last in a speaking relationship with you I was in a very clever way masquerading as a tahiitan – no small feat for a rajhanastani maharaji. You may have wondered at the excessive use of eye enhancing kohl and my sideways waggling of the cranium in answer to your questions.
I have now find it necessary to inform you most humbly that I am indeed of Indian descent – my great great great great grand parents were uprooted from their native soil by most unscrupulous traders many many tangerines ago and transplanted to far away countries where they were bearing the fruit of their limes on foreign soil.
But I am full of too much informations and not too much communications. You might say I am in a digressing state of mind.
It is now time to return to the most at hand matter. World fruit and vegetable type domination.
oooh my esteemed Lime Maharaja, as my earthly embodiment I have totally faithfulness in your present and current strategy of building a group of dessicated followers who are passionfruit about spreading the good news. It is also pleasing to my esteemedness to be enjoying Princess Cherabine Babi Bebidorf’s rise to deity status.
But now to businesses. I am not a happy little vegelimelight (he he he – It is my funny little Australian joke) I am urging you and your vegelites to quadruple your redoubled efforts. I understand that the root crops have formed an undergrounding movement and are planning an uprising.
There is also rumours of unrestings in the extended fruit family. Even the tomatoes and avocados are claiming to have fruitable heritage and are in the joining of forces with Granny Smith and her nieces the Pink Ladies against me – such an innocuous naming but such terrible intentions beneath their skirts and skins. I am also fearing for our safety from the bent bananas and the foreign devils from Kiwi fruit land There is unseemingly behaviour happening on the ski slopes of the pavlovas and I am fearing that something very messy could be afoot and underfoot. . I urge you to harangue a meringue any time you can.
Please be excusing me but I am running out of juice here and my grammatical and spelling checker has just exploded from my computer. Sufficing it to say - that you must be getting down to the supermarket and all be speaking with one voices to the oranges and lemons and tangellos to raise them up to be revolting – remember there is more to being a Maharaja than merely being a mandarin.
And beware of the being confused by false propheteering – the Dalime Lima may be appearing in public waring citrus and saffron but he is not of the lemon or lime family – his is the colour of the bitters. This fact is being confirmed in code by the first six letters in his beloved Tibet Republics.
In closing I am hoping you will be enjoying your evening. Time is not limeitless. Let us be seeing some citrus insur-resurrection together.
May the Lime be with you.
PS If Kevin Rudding is also speaking Portugese we would be pleasing to accept an apology on behalf of the stolen limes for our terrible injustices of the past 400 years.
Carmen Miranda - the original was first created in 2003 and features on the cover of Loani's book. This is not the original. It is held in a vice like grip under secure lock and key in the kitchen hutch of Gerry and Nev Bebendorf.
The most recent, Lime Devotion, was created for the 2009 Festival and is now in the secure hands of Claudia "I've waited six years for this." Ward and her bemused husband Ian. Those of you who have seen it were very impressed. Now you will have to wait until March 2010 to see it again when it appears in Loani's nsequel.
WATCH THIS SPACE .................................................................................................................................
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In 2007 Loani produced this extravagant piece - part flamingo, part phallus which was won by a young bloke with two young daughters who may one day ask the question "Tell us again how you came by this dad?"
See more of Loani's creations at her website:
The Lime Festival has created a strong reputation for performances of the spoken word which we have all contributed to at past festivals. But, alas, today I come to you totally free of inspiration and so can only offer you my apology.
I apologize to the traditional limers of this land. To the politically correct amongst us who may find this offensive I say… sorry. For I have been a busy man, what with an election last weekend, for which I say sorry, Laurie, and work and all.
But my biggest enemy in all of this has been the English language. As I try to teach maths to students trying to learn English I see looks of horror on their faces as verbs suddenly become nouns, and words that sound the same but are spelt differently, and words that are spelt differently but sound the same.
So, in my panic ridden state last night as the Lime Festival loomed I turned to the last refuge of the desperate: POETRY…. I am very sorry, sorry that this poem is rhymeless and almost completely limeless. I’ll just find my poetry voice, sorry Leonard.
I cried a thousand tears
Of your wedding cake
I pared a pair of pears
Into quarters of an hour
That’s thirty minutes south
Of the cape you wore that day.
I stood watch upon your wrist
As the tied knot undone by this
Threaded its way to the sea D E F
Gee it’s getting light
As the water empties out
For a duck beneath the waves of thought.
I’m hearing words that mean
The median strip that divides my mind
Into tables and chairs the meeting
Of the ways and means to the end post
Script for two panadol
And a good lie through your teeth
Then squeeze a lime to stone
Or in kilograms 12.81 for breakfast
And for that I make no apology.
Denis Peel (sorry).